Hi.

holly shmokes my previous post was over 2 years ago *gasp*

2 years, gone by, just like that.

i have a daughter now. a two-year-old toddler,who demands attention, cries when she cant have what she wants, and constantly asks for didi and friends (except for when her papa is around, jangan harap mama nak bagi).

my husband still doesn't live with us, and i still live with my parents - that hasnt change in two years.

i no longer work at an architectural firm. alhamdulillah i was given the opportunity to work for the state government right after i gave birth to my daughter, and here we are now.

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i hate my work.

i'm sorry, but i honestly hate it. waking up to work every morning is torture because i hate it so much. now im praying i get the opportunity to get out of it. im hoping for a reason - any reason to leave. i have awesome colleague, i have a good relationship with my boss, but i still hate it. i hate that i get scrutinized every single day. i hate that i cannot cope with the scrutiny. i just hate the whole scope of work. i hate it that im not a better person since i've started working here. my temper got worse.

astaghfirullah, i know i sound ungrateful for even having a job, for having an income every month. but honestly, i hate it.

i feel that architecture is crushed out of my system. my passion for it is fast fading. the spark has gone. 

i dont get to design anymore. i am forced to tend to other people's needs. i am forced to do stuff im not willing to do. i hate it.

i know that Allah has plans for me. they say if you hate something so much its gonna be something good to you in the future. im just hoping and praying for that day to happen. but until then,

i hate my job.

31 weeks tomorrow

What is this feeling, really?

it feels only yesterday that im still single and browsing through my S/M size outfits on online shopping websites, high heels (although i dont really wear them) and funky handbags.

i still love the above items, although i can never fit into anything near s/m size clothes at this point, no high heels whatsoever, and forget those funky and small handbags because i know i can never use them when the baby arrives.

i still cant believe my body could even reach 70kg, and that my skin could expand so much. its amazing, isnt it what a few months could do to you. one thing you're that carefree single married woman, the next you feel like a big slob of meat.

but all that goes out the drain when i can feel your little but strong kicks in my tummy, twisting and turning as it gets cramped in there; when i saw you kick through the ultrasound screen above me (i actually saw your first kick at 11 weeks) and that when that doctor exclaims,"your baby so active!"

nah, it doesnt matter if mama develops stretch marks more detail than the encyclopedia map, or that i get tired everytime i climb a 4-storey staircase, or that i couldn't get out of the parking lot because i decided to park wrongly i was too big to get out of the car, as long as i can feel you squirm i am oooover the moon!

Ramadhan

4 days into Ramadhan, Alhamdulillah. i'm blessed to be able to fast 6  months into my pregnancy. the final week before fasting month my husband and i went for a one week holiday to perth. it was such a refreshing therapy i didn't want to go back to malaysia and face all these office works. but we had to, reluctantly. 

i came back from australia with a bad cold. i skipped work on monday and went to see the doctor and after checking my pink card, the doctor decided i have thalasemia trait. its an alarming information to be given as i've done my tests before i got married (i was a  negative). my husband did his tests too and he has really strong thalasemia trait; so finding out i have it too (though the doctor said mine was mild) is causing me a nervous wreck. i was recommended a thorough blood test that very same day and the results wont be out till after a month. 

meanwhile, im praying every single day that our little bubs is growing healthy and strong. she's kicking very actively now :-) which is why i will be the saddest person on earth if anything is wrong T_T

p/s: we're having girl!