what's up, Buttercup?

I am a married woman now. this sentence still ring strangely to me somehow and im still getting used to be called Puan or selecting 'mrs' during flight bookings, but I'm enjoying it so far.

It's been long since I've typed anything here, my last post was in April. Nobody reads these stuff anymore, i think. I guess this is a good place to express my unexpressed feelings since nobody reads it.

I am struggling, really. My husband and I, we only get to see each other on weekends and even that is every OTHER weekend. sometimes we dont get to see each other for 3 weeks. Im living at my parents in kuching, and he in miri working. i didnt want to work at first, and since miri almost has no work opportunities as a graduate architect, i just wanted to stay beside my husband everyday. but then i need a job, and considering our current economical situation, now isnt the right time to be lazying around at home not adding in to the household income.

i think im warming up to my job, i am currently working hard to be an experienced professional architect soon (not graduate architect, as my boss would say the graduate title seem 'unprofessional' somehow). the first few weeks, i hated everything: the meetings, chasing government officers for drawing approvals, meeting deadlines, all the boring paperwork and documentation stuff. im warming up though.. slowly but surely. i hope.

2016 is a year full of anticipation, i feel like im coming into a very new chapter. new husband, new job, new mindset and praying for some more newer things (and pray, new person) to come. like our own house, for instance. but lets not venture into that now...

April.

It's April.

I hyperventilate at just the thought of it. Time seems to go in such a hurry that it'd be August before I could even say "wait!"

And yet, here I am doing what I do best: Procrastinate. 

I hate that word. I hate how I'm so easy to be fooled by how much time I still have. I hate how I use it to replace the word 'Lazy'.

It's April.

I'd have my final presentation ever in my history of being an Architecture student in May.

My final presentation with external panels in June.

Then July.

and then..

Then there'd be August.

Six Years What Have You Done?

I am in  my 6th and final year studying architecture. 

6th.

(well including 2 years working in the field then 8)

It baffles me of what 6 years in this field can do to you. Just the other day I was asked of why i took this field: was it passion or just because I wanted a job? The question startled me at one point, as I stood there with a blank expression; blank, because I forgot how that passion felt when I first started my uni life in 2008. I was so burning with passion then. They said you needed 2 degrees to complete your studies, I said who cares I have what it takes! with a very determined face.

Well, that passion sort of died along the way, I'll have to admit.

Not until my 5th year, during the readings for my research proposals have I realised that architects are actually really crazy people who imagine too much, that they claim to hold responsible to society's everyday life. Why, architects? Why the burden? Why result to such powerful claim???.... is what I'd ask.

But I guess, while I'm still figuring out why I took this field, I will always come back to one answer: We are just programmed this way. If you want an exhibition centre to generate money, then we will build you an exhibition centre to accommodate tens and thousands of attendees. If you want an iconic tower to show power, then we will build you the highest skyscraper smacked in the middle of your already congested city.

This is how we're programmed to function in society, but then I ask myself, is this what I'm trained for? I hope I get the answer one day. No more the immature "i took architecture because I love to draw" type of answer. No. That was the 18-year-old-idiot-me who has the knowledge in the field the size of a pea.

It would be a downright lie if I told you I never regretted taking architecture, yet here I am in my final year. Just that one.. final... agonizing... push.